Anyway

Anneliese is pretty much potty trained.  Of course I bought a big box of diapers that I will barely use, thinking that she would still wear a diaper at night for a long while, but most mornings she is dry, so before long we really will be a 100% diaper-free household.  Sure, that’s a great thing, and I’m happy, but I’m not.  First we took down the crib, then I started leaving the child locks hanging off the cabinet handles and I put the window cranks back on, and now we put the diaper genie in the garage.  The only baby gear left out is the high chair, because she still prefers to sit in it (well, that and the exersaucer, which I mean to drop off for friends to borrow).

I don’t wish for Anneliese to still be my baby.  This year she started answering questions with hilarious answers and using her own brand of logic and narrating everything along the way, which is so refreshingly normal.  And–be still, my heart–she makes up her own songs.  Maybe I do miss the teeny-tiny dresses, but I am not taking for granted that I can still pick out all of her clothes.  She can tell me that pink is her favorite color, but purple is still mine, and so far she isn’t pitching a fit about it.  We have plenty of whiny and dramatic moments, but I love watching her grow.

No, I’m not mooning over my baby girl getting so big (much).  But I never planned on hiding baby stuff away.  You know, because getting pregnant is just about deciding that you want another baby.  But then a year goes by.  And another.  And I’m tired of thinking ‘surely by then’.

And most of the time I’m too busy with the two I have to notice what I don’t have.  Gabriel is my boy, the child I wanted so much, so miraculous and beautiful and clever and challenging.  And Anneliese is the girl I wanted so much, so miraculous and beautiful and clever and challenging in completely different ways.  Sometimes–a lot of the time–I wonder if I’m I not allowed to want more.

I’m 35 now.  It’s just a number, except that it’s a little bit more than just a number.  We want four, which is so much more than just a number, but I no longer believe that will happen.  Now I’m just desperate for a third.  A third who will already be at least four years behind Anneliese in school.  That was not the plan.

One too many friends having (or having already had) one more than they really planned.  While I feel like I’m falling further and further behind.  And I’m painfully aware of how I sound to plenty of others, with my boy and my girl.  Haven’t I learned yet that life is rarely fair?

I fear never having closure; I want to be able to one day feel like “we’re done”.  I fear feeling that we’re missing people at the dinner table 20 years from now.  I fear learning to be content with the way things are.

First Google Reader forced me to look for an alternative–I went to Bloglovin because I needed something with a mobile app; I’m happy enough with it–and now I am dropping CNN as my primary news source.

I’ve always been aware of the news, probably more than most of my peers, which is why my speech coach pushed me into extemp, and how I became a state champion.  Anyway.  When I was a kid, we watched the evening news during dinner and my mom subscribed to Time and Newsweek and read the newspaper first thing every morning.  For a long time I also subscribed to the newspaper and read it first thing, even as it became increasingly clear that a printed morning paper was no longer relevant as a news source.  When we moved away from Nebraska, I finally dropped that habit.

I do remember a time before CNN, of course, but ever since my family had cable, I have thought of CNN as the ultimate news source, especially at times of tragedy.  I watched Oklahoma City and Columbine on CNN.  When I got a series of e-mails from my mother on the morning of September 11th, I kept refreshing CNN until they could get some semblance of a headline back online.  When I wanted to hear the latest, I went to CNN.

But I have had a growing skepticism as 24 hour news has redefined the news.  I remember sitting at the dinner table every night of that damn O.J. Simpson trial trying to understand why this was the entire evening news broadcast night after night after night.  (I’m sure we didn’t actually watch it every night; I’m sure my parents turned it off plenty of time.)  That was a defining moment for me, but obviously I still followed television news for a long time.  Too long, obviously.

These days I never watch television news anymore–I can’t stand the noise and the lack of actual news, and don’t even get me started on what Fox News is–but I do watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report for commentary on politics and on the news itself.  But I’ve still been reading most of my news on CNN.com.  Habit, laziness, whatever.

But this past week I finally hit my breaking point.  As the Daily Show reported–because sometimes the Daily Show is the only one doing real reporting–CNN “reported” that a suspect from the Boston marathon bombing had been caught, and then they spent an hour hour debating among themselves whether or not it was true (which it wasn’t, and they knew it) before they retracted that statement.  (I was paying more attention to this story than I probably would normally because Gabriel’s teacher ran the marathon and was on that street at the time.)  CNN didn’t lose their credibility with that–they lost it years ago–but finally I shook myself out of my daze to do stop listening.

The other factor here is that this week I’ve been watching the first season of HBO’s The Newsroom.  Yes, Aaron Sorkin is all idealism and pretension, and on every show he writes, his characters lecture at the audience So MUCH, but he’s right.

So I put the Associated Press app on my phone and I bookmarked BBC.  I should have done this a long time ago.  Better late than never.

Thinking about school for Gabriel for next year has been at best daunting and at worst downright frightening.  This semester he got an IEP with the school district, and he started two mornings a week in an early childhood class.  We have our ups and downs with this situation, and this taste of the school district has made us realize with a surprising amount of clarity that Gabriel is not going to be able to reach his potential in our school district, or any traditional classroom.  (My feelings about our school district is probably not helped by the fact that I’ve been reading Jonathon Kozol this week.)

To be honest, it’s a painful realization.  Jacob and I were always very successful in school, and I believe so strongly in the public schools for a number of reasons.  But now I feel something shifting in me as I am forced to reconsider what education should look like.  No, not “should”, but rather could, as in options I never before took seriously.  This is where, I think, parenting will change me the most.

Here is this new progressive school in the area.  I know someone who works there, so I keep hearing about without having to seek it out.  It is very sensory-based, prioritizes social interaction, and individualizes instruction.  It’s expensive, but surprisingly not out-of-reach.

We met with the director, then ate at our favorite Chinese restaurant (which is next door).  I opened the following fortune: “This is the year when ingenuity stands high on the list.”  Then Jacob passed me his fortune: “Wise men make more opportunities than they find.”  Never mind the fact that you can apply cookies fortunes to whatever situation you want if you try hard enough…

This is a shockingly easy decision for us to make.  This year has been its first year, just as we are looking for options. A school like this in a bigger city would have a daunting waiting list.   We are being given an incredible opportunity for Gabriel, and I actually feel excited.

Gabriel, my beautiful and strange child.  I’m still waiting for so much from him.  Being his mother is turning out to be so different from all expectation.   But I can say that now, for the first time in a long time, I feel real hope that he will get to where he needs to be sooner rather than too much later.

Now I can’t wait for him to go to school all day come fall (even though I had originally hoped that maybe we could find a half-day kindergarten).  It’s going to be wonderful for him.  And me.  Now I wish for Anneliese to go to more than two mornings a week (especially because I have an ongoing commitment one of those mornings).  When Gabriel was three years old, two mornings seemed like plenty; oh how things do change.

Gabriel goes to two schools these days, and one of them is the same tiny Lutheran preschool-through-8th grade he’s been going to for a year and a half (and we’ll send Anneliese to preschool there next year).  They are a pretty conservative and traditional sort of Lutheran, and the whole school goes to Matins or Divine Service every morning.  (I wish I knew the difference; maybe I should make a commitment to go to some of those services next year when I’m not wrestling a younger child.)

While Gabriel has not always been entirely cooperative sitting through church, he has learned some prayers along the way that he will randomly recite.  I like that what are essentially Gabriel’s first words about God are liturgical prayers.  Though he’s come a long way in the past year, Gabriel’s language is still at a place where he primarily imitates and repeats a lot, and it is good for him to imitate and repeat words that are about the nature of God.

Anneliese was very excited about waving palms on Palm Sunday, and she is looking forward to Easter with her Easter dress and Easter eggs and Easter basket and Easter dinner.  We can get her (and Gabriel) to say Hosanna and He is risen, but I feel at a loss about how to talk to them about Easter.  Or about the Bible at all.  Because the older I get, the less I know about how to read the Bible or what God intends for the Church.

Words do matter, they matter very much.  I don’t feel a connection to the words I hear on a Sunday morning, though.  Everyone seems so sure that Scripture is always clear about things like “biblical marriage”.  I don’t even care if they really are sure or not; I’m tired of so many vibes of certainty.  I want go to church with all of the people in my blog reader and see what happens.  but here we are.

Of course I want my children to believe.  I believe.  But I am looking for a new old liturgy, and I don’t know where to begin when it comes to my children.  O Lord, open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise.  Make haste, O God, to deliver me.  Hosanna.  He is risen indeed.

Last week I was busy sewing things for a raffle for our MOPS fundraiser.   I donated three raffle items and won six raffles myself….it was a little bit embarrassing, but awesome.

This week I’ve been busy throwing together a photo book with a Groupon that was about to expire, which is about the only way I manage to keep up with the kids’ pictures.  I finally finished it, though, which is a major relief, and now I can focus back on the kids’ journals and more sewing.  And maybe some more blogging, but I’m always saying that.

Even though he’s been home this week, Jacob has been really busy with reviews and work deadlines.

I’m all for seasons.  But.  The children really need to be able to play outside.  Soon.

The best advice I got before we went to Disneyworld over two years ago–when Gabriel was almost 3 (and Anneliese was way too little to know or care what was going on)–was to have him watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse so that he would know the characters.  That ended being about the only thing that he got out of that trip, meeting Mickey and Minnie and Donald and Daisy and Goofy and Pluto (in our defense, it was a work trip that we made into a vacation, and so our expenses were limited, relatively speaking).

Now as we look forward to our next trip to Disneyworld in May–an actual vacation, no work–both kids are still crazy about Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  And I got another great piece of advice.  In order for the kids to recognize more characters, get some books of the different stories, rather than showing them a huge pile of movies.  Anneliese is already in that phase where she’s always asking “What’s her/his name?”, so when I found a surprisingly comprehensive Disney storybook at Half Price Books, we were both happy.  I am also showing them Toy Story and Toy Story 2, which Gabriel tolerates because he is very interested in Mr. Potato Head.

I don’t want to push Gabriel into watching too many new movies because that’s a lot of work and he’s perfectly content with his current favorites, and I certainly won’t want Anneliese to be all about Disney princesses, but I hope that they will have a good amount of familiarity with a wide enough range of characters so that they can be constantly excited throughout the parks and be able to remember more of their experiences.  They are just old enough to talk about and look forward to it already, so I think it’s going to be worth it.  (Anneliese said, “When we go to Disneyworld we see everybody.  And Pluto too!”)

Speaking of Anneliese and Mickey Mouse characters, I have a tangent.  At some point last year she started showing her own preference for Daisy over Minnie.  When I went to Disneyworld in September (again, Jacob was working there), she told me that she wanted Daisy hair clips.  Even at Disneyworld, such a thing was not to be found.  Lots of princess, lots of Minnie, once in a while something with Minnie and Daisy together, but the only Daisy-alone merchandise that I found were dolls (and I did get her one, which she loves so much more than her Minnie doll).  Why Daisy, I wonder.  Does she already identify as the side-kick, the main character’s best friend, the other girl?  (But Daisy is stylish and self-confident, though she *is* apparently with the ridiculous Donald Duck…maybe she likes ridiculous.)  Does she [Anneliese] like what’s rare, the hard-to-find Daisy over the ubiquitous Minnie?  Or she she just like the purple (because I have trained her so well)?

Anyway, it will be a lot of fun for all of us to experience Disneyworld at this particular age, when they can be excited about all of the little things and not realize when they are missing out on bigger (i.e. more expensive) things (and we will go again when they are older and able to do even more).

What is going on around here?  I have the house more picked up than usual, and Jacob doesn’t even go out of town until tomorrow.  I also have the kids’ journals caught up.  I feel so free to do other things.  I have not actually done any so-called other things, but I feel free to if I ever get around to it.

I am not looking forward to next week at all.  Jacob will be gone six bedtimes.  My entire week will consist of driving Gabriel to and from his two schools and therapy, which wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to drag Anneliese around.  She is too heavy to carry, but when she walks, she is the Poky Little Puppy.

When Jacob is home, he works from home a couple of days a week, which helps out greatly with the present schedule.  But now it looks like he’ll be traveling every other week or so, and I’m just tired of it already.  I wish that he didn’t travel during these years of small children, but he does.  And I am practicing being grateful that he has a good job, one that he likes, and once I again I have to remind myself that because he travels for work, we all get to go to Disneyworld and I get to fly with him–business class–to France.

Anyway, if I ever get around to it this week, maybe I will actually sew something while Jacob is gone next week.  Maybe I will actually blog something of depth.

It won’t be the most memorable Valentine’s Day around here.  Gabriel’s Thursdays are pretty busy, and Jacob’s computer crapped out so he has an interesting work day to manage, and we’re taking a car in for some work.  But I was sick yesterday, and today I feel better.  And Jacob bought me flowers.  In fact, he bought me two sets of roses and “arranged” them himself.  And he’s going to make me cheese fondue tonight after the kids go to bed.  And I found him ginger mints, which makes him very happy.

And last weekend we went to Chicago for a night.   We ate seafood so good that I can never again look at a measly Red Lobster.  We saw Book of Mormon, which was so wrong and so funny.  We played Cards Against Humanity with Todd and Andy, which was so wrong and so funny.  It was the best weekend ever.

I feel like lately I’ve been reading a lot around the internet about how hard marriage is and how much work it can be, but that’s not universally true.  I was alone enough years to know that not being married is hard.  Right now, I feel like parenting small children is hard, and Jacob’s work has its challenges, and those things affect our marriage, of course, but… Well, it seems that some would say that it’s still naive to dare to claim that marriage is not hard.  This is year seven for us, though; I don’t think we’re newlyweds anymore, and I get to have my opinion on the matter.  No, we don’t communicate perfectly, and no, we aren’t always wonderfully patient with one another.  Sure, marriage is for our own good as we practice the fruits of the Spirit, but it’s also for fun.  I love Jacob more and more, but I continue to like him more than I ever thought possible.  Before I met Jacob, I had endless angst.  Being married to Jacob still makes me happy (not giddy-happy, but satisfied-happy) and angst-free.  That makes today just right.

Don’t worry, I’m sure I can find plenty to complain about.  But I’ll wait until tomorrow.

When Jacob leaves town, I wash the sheets and towels and get most everything picked up around here.  I’m not entirely sure why it’s easier to keep the house neater when he’s gone; maybe because I just have more time.

I went to church twice this morning.  Just for the break from the children.  But they had a very good time in their classes, so I feel less guilty about it.

I’ve now shoveled twice.  I’m pretty sure that’s more than Jacob will have to do this winter, the way it’s going.

I am very displeased about Jacob being gone, especially over the entire weekend, but his travel is a bit easier to swallow when we can directly benefit.  Last week Jacob booked us (mostly) business class tickets to France (some work for him, and then some fun), and we probably won’t be paying any hotel either.  So that’s two big trips already planned for this coming year on miles and points and rewards.  I *try* to keep that in mind when he’s gone like this.

Suddenly this afternoon, rather out of nowhere, I started feeling mildly depressed.  Jacob is gone extra hours this week because of the company “all-hands” meeting, and he leaves Friday morning for the other side of the world, gone almost a week.  He was gone last week too, not getting home until Saturday morning.  It feels like too more alone-ness than I can handle, and now I feel sorry for myself.  I miss Jacob, and he’s not even gone yet.  (And what am I going to do to keep these children entertained?)

I know what I should do.  I should do a workout (which I only do to combat insomnia).  I should sit at my sewing machine and make myself create something pretty.  I should read one of those library books.  I should work on my bible study (which is, most appropriately, about being stuck).

I should do something anything to push through my sudden lack of motivation.  Or I should at least figure out what could cheer me up this evening.  But I can’t think of anything that I want.  Well, at least I made myself blog, for what that’s worth.